So this is how it all went down:
In effort
to gain some inspiration for a long overdue blog posting, I was happily
inspired by a girlfriend of mine who is very soon expecting her first baby. My
friend suggested that I explore the debate of whether new moms should work or
stay at home. Apparently, people in her workplace have been a little too
forthcoming with their often contradictory advice, and naturally, she was
frustrated with people offering their opinions when they actually had no
business doing so. In her opinion, and I agree with her, there is no set
formula for every woman, new mother or not. The choice should be made based
upon what works for a woman and her family. Does work allow you to retain a
part of your identity that is important to you, separate from your role as
mother and/or wife, and thus by doing so, make you a happier, healthier, more
balanced person? And therefore, are you a happier, healthier and more balanced
mother and/or wife? Having experienced only the role as a wife thus far in my
adulthood, I can already agree with that statement. Being able to hold on to
something that is important to me, that makes me feel good, or something that I
worked hard for, I believe can make me better at my other roles in my life—and
one of the most important roles right now, my role as a wife. Why should this
diminish when a baby comes into the picture? Should it, will it, and if so, why
does it? I often hear from mothers, “You won’t understand until you have a
baby.” I am sure this is true, but with that being said, one still cannot
presume that there is a predictable formula that a working woman should follow
once she has a baby, nor that her experience post-baby will be one similar to
every other woman who has gone through it.
But
allow me for a moment to digress onto another tangent that was again, inspired
by my friend’s suggestion (incidentally, this digression will ultimately make
this blog not only a topic discussion but somewhat of a book review too!). The
next morning after she gave me her passionate suggestion, I saw the Newsweek magazine that came in the mail
the previous day. The cover article caught my attention, “The Fantasy Life of Working Women: Why Surrender is a Feminist
Dream.” Having my friend’s topic in mind, I was very curious to read it. In the
article, the author Katie Roiphe describes the new trend of women in their 20s
and 30s demonstrating a “current vogue for domination” in the bedroom by a man,
which she states is in odd contrast in an era where women are more dominant in
the workplace than ever before, more successful and college-educated. Yet Roiphe
stated that a Psychology Today study
revealed approximately between 30-60% of women have sadomasochistic fantasies.
This is a strange irony, because as the article described, “almost 60 percent of college students…are close to
surpassing men as breadwinners, with four in 10 working women now out-earning
their husbands, when the majority of women under 30 are having and supporting
children on their own, a moment when—in hard economic terms—women are less
dependent or subjugated than before.”
Interesting,
isn’t? Is it unsettling or confusing, too? Or is it a trend to shrug off and
smirk about? I think that is up for discussion. In her article, Roiphe
referenced the new bestseller, 50 Shades
of Grey. Curious, I checked it out. And as a warning to anyone who has not
read it yet, beware of the X-rated material in this book. I was thrown off
guard initially, yet I still managed to read all three books in the Shades of Grey trilogy in less than one
week…5 days to be exact. I know—3 books, 5 days.
Meet
Christian Grey, the triple S threat: sexy, successful, and sadist. Admittedly,
I got tricked into falling in love with Christian Grey despite his male-dominant-woman-submissive
preferences in the bedroom, and despite how his actions startled my passionate feminist
views. I think it is because Christian had this vulnerable, sad, broken side to
him, and because he truly loved Anastasia. So in that love for her, he looked
out for her and took care of her—as the book evolved across the three books, it
was no longer just about his needs, but about how he can be better and fulfill her needs. Christian was not a selfish
man, he put Ana’s needs before his own, in his own, weird, sadomasochistic way.
Christian Grey essentially fulfilled a common fantasy for women of the perfect
man—gorgeous, tall, undeniably wealthy, spontaneous AND amazing in bed AND to
top it all off…he has a sad, broken side to him that makes him in need of
life-changing love through which he can heal. Why is that sad side so
appealing? Perhaps it is the contrast of a man having so much power being also so
very vulnerable that makes him relatable, and lovable. And for women, that
paradox of powerful and vulnerable can be ridiculously sexy. He took
Anastasia’s breath away. On the surface was a strong and powerful lover, who could
handle everything. But deep down, he was a frightened little boy, who needed
her love.
How
does this tie into my friend’s frustration about the debate over whether women
should work or not after having a baby? Well, I read the Roiphe’s article with
her point in my mind. My friend is a successful working woman. She makes good
money, has a happy marriage, lives a happy relaxed life. That being said, the
article called to mind the irony behind a society where it is still looked down
upon by some if the mother chooses daycare over being a stay-at-home mom, or
vice-versa…some shake their head at a woman who is an educated, career woman yet
chooses to stay at home with her children. In an article on CNN.com, “Opinion: ‘Mommy wars’ avoid
women’s real woes,” the author Barbara J. Risman describes various
contradictions to the working mom debate:
1) It is
generally agreed that men and women should have equal rights, but yet it is
never expected that the man should consider staying at home with the kids. In
the home “workplace” the work is not truly equally shared. Why?
2) It is a known fact that parenting is tough job that
requires major emotional and psychological investments. Yet, why do employers
discriminate against hiring and promoting working mothers? Aren’t they the most
suitable for the tough grunt work any job may bring, since they do an even
tougher job at home?
3) The lack of
work policies that allow women to breast-feed in the workplace, therefore
guaranteeing penalties for doing so…the U.S. is oddly behind the international
trend on this point.
4) Women married to wealthy men are “allowed” to make a
choice of staying home with their children—they can afford it, so the choice is
theirs and whatever they choose to do is (somewhat) acceptable because as the
article states, “they are doing so for the good of their children” since, if
they wanted to, they could afford to put their children in day care. Yet, women
who do not have the money but still choose to stay home with their children,
are coined by society as “welfare mothers,” who should get a job and then are forced to put their children in most
likely less than ideal day care situations. Does Risman make a good point here?
Is society really that quick to judge, and so harshly and unsympathetically?
In yet another article on BabyCenterNews.com, entitled “Working moms happier, healthier than
stay-at-home-moms (SAHMs),” my earlier point is reiterated—women who work tend
to feel better about themselves, had fewer symptoms of depression, and that
feeling is reflected upon their role as a mother. They felt better, and
therefore were better mothers.
I
brought the two issues together in this blog for the purpose of calling to
attention the difficulty in categorizing women (and mothers) into appropriate
and acceptable roles. Most women having babies are probably in their late 20s
and early 30s. These women may choose to work and have day care to help them
balance things. These women may choose to stay at home, despite having a great
job that their college-education afforded them. These women may be making more
money than their husbands and therefore decide to continue working, while the
husband takes a job cut and stays at home with the children. These are women
who value the ability to make their own decisions, without judgment or
penalization from their employers. Yet, as Katie Roiphe’s article stated, these
new-age, strong-willed baby boomers still may crave a little domination in the
bedroom. They may want to be able to make the choice at work, but sometimes
they would like to relinquish control to a sexy man who ties them up in the
bedroom. Who is to say that is wrong? Who is to say that the two are incompatible?
Personally,
reading 50 Shades of Grey, I found
myself at times blushing 50 shades of red. I found myself bashfully turning the
pages without a glance up or around me. And while reading, I would pause
occasionally and wonder, “Could I do that? Would I do that, succumb to that,
for the man I loved?” The thing with the Christian-Anastasia love affair is
that she concedes a great deal of control, because as she justifies it in her
head, it is what makes him happy and she loves to see Christian happy, especially
because of his dark past. As she says herself, “Would I do it again? I can’t even pretend to put up an argument against
that. Of course I would, if he asked me—as long as he didn’t hurt me and if
it’s the only way to be with him. That’s the bottom line. I want to be with him.” She later concedes that while she wants
to say that it is wrong, she can’t because it is what is right for Christian.
Since she loves him and wants to be with him, it cannot be really wrong for her
either—she can make the sacrifice, and gain the love of a man she has fallen
for head over heels. Realistically, some of the things Christian does “out of
love” for her are crazy, controlling, belittling, and in Anastasia’s own word,
“stalkerish.” Realistically, one has to be as innocent as Ana to be able to
fall so readily in love with a man as possessive as Christian. While reading, I
sometimes found myself not really liking Christian Grey and how demeaning he
was at times (although you are still supposed to love him because this is a
flaw in his character that slowly changes with his love for Ana). Yet, in the
back of my mind, I found myself wondering if that would be sexy in real life for most women—a man that loves you so
much he wants to be a part of everything you do, a man that has that much money
and power that he can make those demands? He has power, and to some women,
college-educated or not, that alone is sexy.
Now
here’s the (long) question: Can the allure of knowing a man loves you so much that
he wants to possess you in every way, be a powerful enough enticement, that you
could relinquish control over many aspects of your life, because that is what
the man whom you have fallen in love with wants and needs for his happiness?
In
light of the stay-at-home-mommy debate, the articles and the book just
highlighted to me how many important decisions and choices women constantly have
to make—nothing is black and white. Nothing is as simple as choosing just because
you want to, or as Christian liked to say, “Because I can.” Every woman can
work if she wants to, but is that the best decision for her and her family?
Every woman can choose to have children, to make a career for herself, or she
may be content being a homemaker. None of those choices are, in my opinion,
wrong, but will only be so if she chooses for the wrong reasons. Can we truly
and honestly make the concession that a powerful man is sexy, and still reconcile
that power with our right to make the important decisions regarding career and
motherhood? Are the two mutually exclusive? Obviously, there is no simple
answer. But perhaps that is why we have books to read about the Christian Greys
and the lucky, or not-so-lucky, Anatastisa Steeles, depending on how you look
at it. It is that pleasure of fantasy that makes us pick up that book, be it
sadomaschoism or fighting-till-death in an arena Katniss-style. Who do we relate
to more, Ana or Katniss—lovestruck romantic, or strong-willed heroine? But we
should not be faulted for our fantasies, even if they contradict the choices we
make in our real lives. Who knows,
maybe Hillary Clinton likes to spanked, too.
Obviously,
this blog does not even come close to covering all points on this subject, despite the supersized length of this post. Women come in 50 shades of everything, there is no simple way to describe our tendencies and our preferences. So I
look forward to parts 2, 3, 4, etc. of this discussion….and I’d love to hear everything and anything my
readers have to say and share about it.
